Setting Boundaries in Relationships

It was a chilly day in December when Reyna spoke to Shyam her colleague about some challenges she was facing at work. She confessed to him that she felt somewhat apprehensive about approaching him but felt that she was unable to deal with these issues well. Reyna told Shyam about their co-worker, Charu on project x leaving all the work to Reyna and continuously dealing with personal problems. She felt that she was being doing more than her share of the work and was getting told that work was not always completed well because she was not in full possession of all the details. She felt her personal life was suffering as she was always working extra hours to complete Charu's work. She also felt that professionally she got limited information from Charu to help complete the task, which led to mistakes in the task at hand. Reyna confessed that she was feeling disheartened, frustrated, and helpless as she felt she could not fully explain to Charu how she felt.

Reyna appeared to have challenges asserting herself and directly communicating to Charu how she felt about being handed work that was not Reyna's responsibility. She also felt helpless and bad since Charu was leaving early due to personal problems (family member being unwell). Although, Reyna felt comfortable sharing her feelings with Shyam, the problem still remained since Reyna set no limits with Charu about her behavior affecting Reyna.

Boundaries are set so we can take care of ourselves and communicate in an open, honest, and direct fashion. It is important to be able to set limits in order to assert our point of view. It is important to know that we have a responsibility to ourselves as well as the person we are communicating to determine how we are treated. Learning to set a boundary means to let go of the outcome.

1. State your feeling. When you state the feeling you are in fact communicating with yourself to acknowledge it and own the feeling. Affirming the right to the feeling.
2. Communicate without blaming.
3. Observe the behavior making you uncomfortable and state it.
4. Communicate the consequence if this behavior does not stop or alter.
5. Time yourself out of the situation. Leave the situation.
6. Enforce the consequence.

In setting limits it is important to describe the behavior rather than our interpretation of it.

For e.g. You're screaming at me makes me upset and I cannot focus on the work. I feel insulted by this. I want you to tell me what you expect instead of screaming once the job is completed. If this behavior does not stop then I will disengage from the conversation.

To take responsibility for our feelings and communicate them honestly one can put it in the framework outlined below.
When you . . . . .

I feel . . . .

I want . . . .
To set the limits one can look at the framework below and use it to demonstrate setting the limit.
If you - a description of the behavior we find unacceptable (again being as descriptive as possible.)

I will - a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of your self in the event the other person violates the boundary.

If you continue this behavior - a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.
To share an example;
When I ask you what is wrong and you say "Never mind," and then slam cabinet doors and rattle pots and pans and generally seem to be silently raging about something,

I feel angry, frustrated, irritated, hopeless, as if you are unwilling to communicate with me, as if I am supposed to read your mind.

I want you to communicate with me and help me to understand if I have done something that upsets you.

If something is bothering you and you will not tell me what it is, I will confront you about your behavior and share my feelings.

If you continue that behavior, I will confront your behavior, share my feelings, and insist that we go to counseling together.

If you keep repeating this behavior I will start considering all of my options, including leaving this relationship

In our attempt to set boundaries we take the responsibility, make a choice, and let go of the outcomes. When we look for self-worth outside we agree to become victims and give our power away. By asserting our rights, we are honest with ourselves and empower ourselves. It is important to heave healthy boundaries to have healthy relationships. A person who is unable to set any boundaries assumes a disservice to self as well as those he or she calls a friend. Learning to have healthy relationships begins with setting healthy limits.